Running made my like my body.
Spraining my ankle taught me how to respect it,
not push it too hard.
it took my 5h 38 mn and 40 seconds to cross
the finish line of the NYC Marathon... I couldn’t have done it on only 600 calories a day!
In a big, joyful ceremony
I buried my disease, crying a lot of tear
For the pain I went through during four long years.
The cast was deep and white,
Filled with baby size shirts now too tight,
Recipes of fat free cooking,
A bottle of whiskey - for my Dad’s drinking.
A Gospel choir sang Gloria,
As I said bye to Anorexia.
closing the cast to be incinerated
“ I hope you rot in Hell!” I yelled.
And I watch it burn into ashes,
I then picked up and threw in the trash.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Facts
The information on this page was taken from the National Eating Disorders Screening Program Newsletter (February, 1996). The Newsletter was sponsored by The Renfrew Center (Philadelphia and Florida) and was published by the Massachusetts Eating Disorder Association, Inc., a national nonprofit corporation.
Anorexia Nervosa is a disorder in which preoccupation with dieting and thinness leads to excessive weight loss. The individual may not acknowledge that weight loss or restricted eating is a problem. One percent of teenage girls in the U.S. develop anorexia nervosa and up to 10 percent may die as a result.
Anorexia Danger Signals:
• losing a significant amount of weight
• continuing to diet (although thin)
• feeling fat, even after losing weight
• fearing weight gain
• losing monthly menstrual periods
• preoccupation with food, calories, nutrition and/or cooking
• exercising compulsively
• bingeing and purging
Physical complications:
• hair loss
• gaunt, hollow facial features
• shrunken breasts
• dry skin
• bruises
• sharply protruding bones
• cold and blue hands and feet
• delayed puberty: pre-adolescent females fail to menstruate and develop breasts at normal age; in males, testosterone levels might remain low, leading to impotence
• menstruation: hormone levels drop, alerting the body that it cannot support a fetus; menstruation becomes irregular or stops completely – can result in temporary or permanent infertility
• permanent bone loss: susceptibility to stress fractures and osteoporosis
• mood changes: impatience, irritability, depression, suicidal tendencies
• insomnia, constipation, sensitivity to cold, kidney failure, abnormally low heart rate and blood pressure
Anorexia Nervosa is a disorder in which preoccupation with dieting and thinness leads to excessive weight loss. The individual may not acknowledge that weight loss or restricted eating is a problem. One percent of teenage girls in the U.S. develop anorexia nervosa and up to 10 percent may die as a result.
Anorexia Danger Signals:
• losing a significant amount of weight
• continuing to diet (although thin)
• feeling fat, even after losing weight
• fearing weight gain
• losing monthly menstrual periods
• preoccupation with food, calories, nutrition and/or cooking
• exercising compulsively
• bingeing and purging
Physical complications:
• hair loss
• gaunt, hollow facial features
• shrunken breasts
• dry skin
• bruises
• sharply protruding bones
• cold and blue hands and feet
• delayed puberty: pre-adolescent females fail to menstruate and develop breasts at normal age; in males, testosterone levels might remain low, leading to impotence
• menstruation: hormone levels drop, alerting the body that it cannot support a fetus; menstruation becomes irregular or stops completely – can result in temporary or permanent infertility
• permanent bone loss: susceptibility to stress fractures and osteoporosis
• mood changes: impatience, irritability, depression, suicidal tendencies
• insomnia, constipation, sensitivity to cold, kidney failure, abnormally low heart rate and blood pressure
Introduction
There once was a girl
Named Karen Carpenter
Who sang many songs
With beautiful words
As people watch her hurt
And treat herself like dirt
Because she was ashamed to ask for help.
And then there was a hush....
There once was a woman
Known as Lady DI
No one paid attention
To her desperate cry
No one cared
When she threw up food
Because she thought she was no good.
And then there was a crash....
There once was a Frenchie
A girl called Sophie
Who also chose
To be an anorectic
To starve and not eat
Over excise and not sleep
Because se didn't know another way to stay sane.
And then there was her poetry...
Named Karen Carpenter
Who sang many songs
With beautiful words
As people watch her hurt
And treat herself like dirt
Because she was ashamed to ask for help.
And then there was a hush....
There once was a woman
Known as Lady DI
No one paid attention
To her desperate cry
No one cared
When she threw up food
Because she thought she was no good.
And then there was a crash....
There once was a Frenchie
A girl called Sophie
Who also chose
To be an anorectic
To starve and not eat
Over excise and not sleep
Because se didn't know another way to stay sane.
And then there was her poetry...
Blame, Blame, Blame
Don’t you dare
Point your finger
At my family
Judge them guilty
For not seeing
What was happening to me.
Nor say it’s society
Not speaking a word
As women of Hollywood
Pecking at their food
-Just like little birds-
Get known as the lollipop girls.
And don’t try to tell me
I should be ashamed,
I am the one to blame
For being good at hiding,
Not showing I was skinny,
And stopping myself from eating.
Because if you dared
You’d have to say
Why you looked the other way
Not meeting my eyes (they belonged to a dead)
Hoping someone would care
Explain what was going on in my head.
Point your finger
At my family
Judge them guilty
For not seeing
What was happening to me.
Nor say it’s society
Not speaking a word
As women of Hollywood
Pecking at their food
-Just like little birds-
Get known as the lollipop girls.
And don’t try to tell me
I should be ashamed,
I am the one to blame
For being good at hiding,
Not showing I was skinny,
And stopping myself from eating.
Because if you dared
You’d have to say
Why you looked the other way
Not meeting my eyes (they belonged to a dead)
Hoping someone would care
Explain what was going on in my head.
Anorexia
The nights are always the same:
Filled with hunger and shame,
Tears wetting the soft cotton sheets:
You are starving but you will not eat.
People don’t realize it makes you feel good:
You think you have power because you control your food.
Yet, some nights, it will drive you insane:
Because you cannot get rid of the pain.
But no matter what you will not eat, scared of the calories:
They will bring life you don’t want to give to your body.
And you are scared that if you take one bite
It will mean the end: you’d have lost the fight.
The nights are always the same,
You lie awake in bed and you cry,
Because you are fully aware
That you are letting yourself die.
Filled with hunger and shame,
Tears wetting the soft cotton sheets:
You are starving but you will not eat.
People don’t realize it makes you feel good:
You think you have power because you control your food.
Yet, some nights, it will drive you insane:
Because you cannot get rid of the pain.
But no matter what you will not eat, scared of the calories:
They will bring life you don’t want to give to your body.
And you are scared that if you take one bite
It will mean the end: you’d have lost the fight.
The nights are always the same,
You lie awake in bed and you cry,
Because you are fully aware
That you are letting yourself die.
BFF
I’ve known you for quite some time now,
You are my friend and have never let me down.
You share my secrets and my fears,
And you always know how to dry my tears.
You make me feel safe
In this world I’m too scared to face.
Through your eyes I see myself pretty,
And all this time, it was you who were killing me?
I am anorectic, You? Food.
And know I want you out for good.
But it brakes my heart to say goodbye,
I love you but if you stay, I’m the one who will have to die.
You are my friend and have never let me down.
You share my secrets and my fears,
And you always know how to dry my tears.
You make me feel safe
In this world I’m too scared to face.
Through your eyes I see myself pretty,
And all this time, it was you who were killing me?
I am anorectic, You? Food.
And know I want you out for good.
But it brakes my heart to say goodbye,
I love you but if you stay, I’m the one who will have to die.
No one knows how hard it is
No one knows how hard it is,
To be sick like I am sick.
No one knows how hard it is,
To wage the war I am just in.
No one knows how hard it is,
To find a reason not to give up.
No one knows how hard it is,
To open the door, let go of my guard.
And this is why it hurts so much,
This is why it’s so damn hard,
Not knowing anyone who understands,
Who cares enough to give me a hand.
No one knows how hard it is,
To find the strength to be free.
No one knows how hard it is,
To let myself simply be me.
To be sick like I am sick.
No one knows how hard it is,
To wage the war I am just in.
No one knows how hard it is,
To find a reason not to give up.
No one knows how hard it is,
To open the door, let go of my guard.
And this is why it hurts so much,
This is why it’s so damn hard,
Not knowing anyone who understands,
Who cares enough to give me a hand.
No one knows how hard it is,
To find the strength to be free.
No one knows how hard it is,
To let myself simply be me.
PMS
For 2 years they had stopped:
Not one single drop
Had stained my panties;
The familiar pain had gone away…
(When too weak the body abstains)
One day I got scared: what if the price to pay
Was to give up on having babies?
Still, the idea of eating seemed to be insane.
Not one single drop
Had stained my panties;
The familiar pain had gone away…
(When too weak the body abstains)
One day I got scared: what if the price to pay
Was to give up on having babies?
Still, the idea of eating seemed to be insane.
Recovery: Auust 16th 1997-THE BREAKTHROUGH
At lunch today I told my Daddy
All about therapy and how it was helping me.
He said: “ later,
Here comes our waiter.”
Soon after I moved overseas,
And never again mentioned my disease.
All about therapy and how it was helping me.
He said: “ later,
Here comes our waiter.”
Soon after I moved overseas,
And never again mentioned my disease.
My Father, the hero
He is my hero,
and holds my hand at the dentist's.
He is my father,
and reads me stories until I fall asleep.
He is my hero,
and swims next to me if I don't have feet.
He is my father,
and pushes my hair back when I am sick.
But sometimes my hero is passed out on the couch,
and isn't there to see as I start slipping.
And sometimes my father is too drunk to function,
He cannot catch my hand, and so I fall.
and holds my hand at the dentist's.
He is my father,
and reads me stories until I fall asleep.
He is my hero,
and swims next to me if I don't have feet.
He is my father,
and pushes my hair back when I am sick.
But sometimes my hero is passed out on the couch,
and isn't there to see as I start slipping.
And sometimes my father is too drunk to function,
He cannot catch my hand, and so I fall.
drunk
I have something to say! »
He just kept on babbling,
Boring all of our friends,
So they all run away.
« You think you can be a star? »
He just kept on laughing,
Making fun of my dreams,
On his way to the bar.
« You are a stupid whore! »
He just kept on screaming,
Making people watch with pity,
As I ran out of the store.
« You better shut up! »
He just kept on threatening,
So I wouldn't tell Mommy,
He was sick and throwing up.
That's why I made my body get smaller,
So it would fit inside a drawer,
Where this wasn't happening to me:
In that world, He wasn't my Daddy.
He just kept on babbling,
Boring all of our friends,
So they all run away.
« You think you can be a star? »
He just kept on laughing,
Making fun of my dreams,
On his way to the bar.
« You are a stupid whore! »
He just kept on screaming,
Making people watch with pity,
As I ran out of the store.
« You better shut up! »
He just kept on threatening,
So I wouldn't tell Mommy,
He was sick and throwing up.
That's why I made my body get smaller,
So it would fit inside a drawer,
Where this wasn't happening to me:
In that world, He wasn't my Daddy.
The Mistress
Since December eighty eight
I have watched my father
Go out on secret dates
With someone else than my mother
Someone he'd hide in his closet,
Top shelf on the right behind the blankets;
To help him go through the day
He had to gulp her down to feel okay.
For the past twelve years
I have watched my father
Choose different kind of beers
Over his children and my mother.
I have watched my father
Go out on secret dates
With someone else than my mother
Someone he'd hide in his closet,
Top shelf on the right behind the blankets;
To help him go through the day
He had to gulp her down to feel okay.
For the past twelve years
I have watched my father
Choose different kind of beers
Over his children and my mother.
Oh Father
Daddy, daddy, how couldn't you see,
That your drinking was destroying me?
Daddy, daddy, you didn’t even try to stop!
Did you take pleasure watching my weight drop?
Daddy, daddy, why didn’t you do something,
When you noticed how fast I was dying?
Daddy, daddy how could you walk away,
And keep on being sick, day after day?
You didn’t do your job; you failed to protect me!
All this time, you were helping killing me!
So daddy, daddy, that’s why I’m so mad at you:
So tell me Dad, why should I forgive you?
That your drinking was destroying me?
Daddy, daddy, you didn’t even try to stop!
Did you take pleasure watching my weight drop?
Daddy, daddy, why didn’t you do something,
When you noticed how fast I was dying?
Daddy, daddy how could you walk away,
And keep on being sick, day after day?
You didn’t do your job; you failed to protect me!
All this time, you were helping killing me!
So daddy, daddy, that’s why I’m so mad at you:
So tell me Dad, why should I forgive you?
Plane Crash
You made us a promise, at 5 in the morning,
You were going to stop drinking, this time, for real.
The right engine dies as he fills another glass.
You said you’d get help, you were going to make things better again,
So you’d never lose control of yourself and never humiliate one of us again.
A fire starts in the back as he gulps down a shot.
But you tiptoed right down to the basement,
Looking for the bottles you hid the night before,
And after you drank them till the last drop,
You come and hug us, makings us all hope.
And the plane goes down, faster, faster, faster,
And crashes with a bang.
But dad, we were inside!
You were going to stop drinking, this time, for real.
The right engine dies as he fills another glass.
You said you’d get help, you were going to make things better again,
So you’d never lose control of yourself and never humiliate one of us again.
A fire starts in the back as he gulps down a shot.
But you tiptoed right down to the basement,
Looking for the bottles you hid the night before,
And after you drank them till the last drop,
You come and hug us, makings us all hope.
And the plane goes down, faster, faster, faster,
And crashes with a bang.
But dad, we were inside!
Playdates
I never did
Bring a friend home after school,
And have her see
Someone I was ashamed to call family:
Daddy drunk passed out on the couch.
I never dared
Bring a friend home after school
And have her listen
To someone I wish wasn’t talking:
Daddy drunk, trying to be funny.
I never could
Bring a friend home after school,
And have her witness
Something that was so humiliating:
Daddy drunk, yelling and swearing.
Bring a friend home after school,
And have her see
Someone I was ashamed to call family:
Daddy drunk passed out on the couch.
I never dared
Bring a friend home after school
And have her listen
To someone I wish wasn’t talking:
Daddy drunk, trying to be funny.
I never could
Bring a friend home after school,
And have her witness
Something that was so humiliating:
Daddy drunk, yelling and swearing.
Daddy's other girl
I always dreamt I could take a stick
And smash her face
In one thousand pieces
Watch the blood
Drain from her veins
Until she was dead
Finally empty
And smash her face
In one thousand pieces
Watch the blood
Drain from her veins
Until she was dead
Finally empty
Memories
I remember Australia,
Baked bean sandwiches eaten on the trampoline.
Daddy grilling steaks, happily whistling,
Mommy pregnant, making strawberry ice cream.
And my sister and I chasing the magpies away.
I remember Switzerland,
The tram number six that took me to a racist school.
Daddy throwing his plate on the floor,
Mommy crying: he didn’t like her cooking with cream.
And my sister, my brother and I eating midnight snacks in secret.
I remember Kuwait City,
The way the sand dirtied the red velvet curtain.
Daddy slapping my face: I had been caught smoking,
Mommy buying grape juice so we could make our own wine.
And the three of us burning our tongues on fresh baked pita bread.
I remember Germany,
My first dance where a boy kissed my lips goodnight.
Daddy drunk, passed out on the couch,
Mommy making him tea right after he had been sick.
And my brother banging his head on the cold marbled floor cause Daddy had been screaming.
I remember Paris, University,
My small room on the fourth floor of a dorm.
Daddy disowning my sister for lack of respect,
Mommy in tears everytime I was on the phone
And the hundreds of jokes I told during my visits, hoping to make one of them smile.
And I remember the plastic Christmas tree,
The food I wouldn’t eat: that was in Egypt.
Daddy not opening the present I gave him,
Mommy saving it for later, pretending nothing was wrong.
And my sister, my brother and I sharing dreams, squeezed against each other on his big bed.
And I’ll never forget,
The three of us holding our hands,
Praying together on the back seat of the car,
That we wouldn’t die tonight.
Because daddy was drunk and he was the one driving.
Baked bean sandwiches eaten on the trampoline.
Daddy grilling steaks, happily whistling,
Mommy pregnant, making strawberry ice cream.
And my sister and I chasing the magpies away.
I remember Switzerland,
The tram number six that took me to a racist school.
Daddy throwing his plate on the floor,
Mommy crying: he didn’t like her cooking with cream.
And my sister, my brother and I eating midnight snacks in secret.
I remember Kuwait City,
The way the sand dirtied the red velvet curtain.
Daddy slapping my face: I had been caught smoking,
Mommy buying grape juice so we could make our own wine.
And the three of us burning our tongues on fresh baked pita bread.
I remember Germany,
My first dance where a boy kissed my lips goodnight.
Daddy drunk, passed out on the couch,
Mommy making him tea right after he had been sick.
And my brother banging his head on the cold marbled floor cause Daddy had been screaming.
I remember Paris, University,
My small room on the fourth floor of a dorm.
Daddy disowning my sister for lack of respect,
Mommy in tears everytime I was on the phone
And the hundreds of jokes I told during my visits, hoping to make one of them smile.
And I remember the plastic Christmas tree,
The food I wouldn’t eat: that was in Egypt.
Daddy not opening the present I gave him,
Mommy saving it for later, pretending nothing was wrong.
And my sister, my brother and I sharing dreams, squeezed against each other on his big bed.
And I’ll never forget,
The three of us holding our hands,
Praying together on the back seat of the car,
That we wouldn’t die tonight.
Because daddy was drunk and he was the one driving.
Burrying Daddy
Daddy, sometimes I wish you'd disappear
Don't worry we'd throw this great big party,
And we would cry hundreds of tears
Because you were such a loving Daddy.
Then we would come back to a home
With no screams and no cries
Finally you'd be gone
At night I won't be scared to close my eyes.
Afraid you'd wake me in the middle of the night
To fill my heart with new hope
That things would be at last all right
You'll get help, get rid of your dope.
That's why I wish you'd disappear
Even if I will miss you: I do love you
Because I can not live in fear
Nor spend my time being mad at you.
Don't worry we'd throw this great big party,
And we would cry hundreds of tears
Because you were such a loving Daddy.
Then we would come back to a home
With no screams and no cries
Finally you'd be gone
At night I won't be scared to close my eyes.
Afraid you'd wake me in the middle of the night
To fill my heart with new hope
That things would be at last all right
You'll get help, get rid of your dope.
That's why I wish you'd disappear
Even if I will miss you: I do love you
Because I can not live in fear
Nor spend my time being mad at you.
Recovery: June 8th 1998
My thighs
Never lie:
When they're too big
My jeans do not fit.
That's how I know
I can no longer eat.
Never lie:
When they're too big
My jeans do not fit.
That's how I know
I can no longer eat.
Broken Doll
I was a pretty baby,
that’s what Mummy used to say.
Proudly she displayed me,
safely locked in the glass menagerie.
I was a pretty girl,
that’s what Mummy used to say.
With ribbons and bows she dressed me up,
but I wasn’t allowed out of the box.
I was a pretty lady,
that’s what Mummy used to say.
Even when squeezing my too thin body,
whispering praises and stroking my messy hair.
But I wasn’t a pretty woman :
bloody lips on a too pale face,
a weary mind ; a too tiring life,
I just wanted to lie and close my eyes.
How could Mummy fail to notice,
that the pieces that held me were falling apart?
Pretty is all she needed me to be,
so pretty is all she had chosen to see.
that’s what Mummy used to say.
Proudly she displayed me,
safely locked in the glass menagerie.
I was a pretty girl,
that’s what Mummy used to say.
With ribbons and bows she dressed me up,
but I wasn’t allowed out of the box.
I was a pretty lady,
that’s what Mummy used to say.
Even when squeezing my too thin body,
whispering praises and stroking my messy hair.
But I wasn’t a pretty woman :
bloody lips on a too pale face,
a weary mind ; a too tiring life,
I just wanted to lie and close my eyes.
How could Mummy fail to notice,
that the pieces that held me were falling apart?
Pretty is all she needed me to be,
so pretty is all she had chosen to see.
Self-Portrait
If I drew myself,
This is what you would see:
A very narrow body,
With arms very skinny;
And a chest too small
Hidden by a bra full of cotton balls;
A stomach bloated from hunger
And an ass even bigger.
Hips and thighs fat instead of strong,
Legs, thin and ugly, and way too long.
But if I drew myself,
What would be really scary?
Is that you’d be able to see
How much I hated that body.
This is what you would see:
A very narrow body,
With arms very skinny;
And a chest too small
Hidden by a bra full of cotton balls;
A stomach bloated from hunger
And an ass even bigger.
Hips and thighs fat instead of strong,
Legs, thin and ugly, and way too long.
But if I drew myself,
What would be really scary?
Is that you’d be able to see
How much I hated that body.
Look at me
Look at me and don’t you dare
tell me that I am not sick.
Look at me and don’t you dare
envy me to be so thin.
Look at me and don’t you dare
despise me because I need some attention.
This is not a joke I’m pulling,
but the SOS I’m screaming,
And if you choose to pretend not to notice
It might just be too late for a happy ending.
tell me that I am not sick.
Look at me and don’t you dare
envy me to be so thin.
Look at me and don’t you dare
despise me because I need some attention.
This is not a joke I’m pulling,
but the SOS I’m screaming,
And if you choose to pretend not to notice
It might just be too late for a happy ending.
Recovery: January 15th 1999
One week after Halloween
A new man made love to me,
Liking every inch of my body
" Too beautiful not to be seen "
he said, leaving the lights on
and holding me tight all night long.
For the first time in a while,
I didn't mind not being skinny.
For the first time in a while,
I felt truly pretty
A new man made love to me,
Liking every inch of my body
" Too beautiful not to be seen "
he said, leaving the lights on
and holding me tight all night long.
For the first time in a while,
I didn't mind not being skinny.
For the first time in a while,
I felt truly pretty
Zero
That’s my size
I wonder, does it mean
I am not worth anything?
Zero,
could it be
because I don’t really exist ?
But wait, I can be better,
get smaller, tinier :
will this impress you?
And if I can make myself disappear,
I wonder,
will that be good enough for you ?
Zero,
That’s how big I am.
And I can’t help but wonder,
What comes under that number?
I wonder, does it mean
I am not worth anything?
Zero,
could it be
because I don’t really exist ?
But wait, I can be better,
get smaller, tinier :
will this impress you?
And if I can make myself disappear,
I wonder,
will that be good enough for you ?
Zero,
That’s how big I am.
And I can’t help but wonder,
What comes under that number?
Mirror, mirror, on my wall
Mirror, mirror, on my wall,
The image I see is not true at all.
Big, innocent eyes?
They’re full of lies.
Her smile is too kind,
It must have an evil mind.
And her baby soft cheeks
A trick so you think she’s weak.
Because that 20 year old face
Hides a disgrace:
Did you know, mirror on my wall,
She abandoned her family
To have her own life and be happy?
So tell me, Mirror; mirror on my wall,
Why do you reflect her such a pretty doll?
The image I see is not true at all.
Big, innocent eyes?
They’re full of lies.
Her smile is too kind,
It must have an evil mind.
And her baby soft cheeks
A trick so you think she’s weak.
Because that 20 year old face
Hides a disgrace:
Did you know, mirror on my wall,
She abandoned her family
To have her own life and be happy?
So tell me, Mirror; mirror on my wall,
Why do you reflect her such a pretty doll?
Recovery:May 1st 1999
" This ass got bigger"
someone told me in a bar,
pointing at my behind,
with a smile on his face,
and then he laughed
"some find it sexy!"
When I got back home
I swallowed a diet pill
That's supposed to stop
You from feeling hungry.
someone told me in a bar,
pointing at my behind,
with a smile on his face,
and then he laughed
"some find it sexy!"
When I got back home
I swallowed a diet pill
That's supposed to stop
You from feeling hungry.
In the locker room, at my gym
There is a girl,
Splashing water on her face
(Red from vomiting, she tries to hide her distress)
Five minutes earlier you would have seen
Her step on the (stupid) weight machine
And burst into tears when she saw
That after two hours at the gym
She hadn’t lost one single pound.
Splashing water on her face
(Red from vomiting, she tries to hide her distress)
Five minutes earlier you would have seen
Her step on the (stupid) weight machine
And burst into tears when she saw
That after two hours at the gym
She hadn’t lost one single pound.
Public Libraries
In many of our libraries
Bookshelves are starting
To fill with only short stories
That guaranty a fast reading.
Because we are afraid to be bored,
By a thick book, even if it's good story line
And that's something we can't afford
We have too much to do to risk wasting time.
Besides, thin books take less space on our shelves,
And they look better in our nice display.
That's the excuse we like to tell ourselves.
To explain why we pushed the fat ones away.
So, even though we were told not to judge by the cover
Little by little, depending on how big they look
Novels like War and peace are disappearing forever,
Because we decided to ban 20 chapters books.
APPENDIX
Why won't this society
Give 500 page books the opportunity
To share with us their wonderful story?
Bookshelves are starting
To fill with only short stories
That guaranty a fast reading.
Because we are afraid to be bored,
By a thick book, even if it's good story line
And that's something we can't afford
We have too much to do to risk wasting time.
Besides, thin books take less space on our shelves,
And they look better in our nice display.
That's the excuse we like to tell ourselves.
To explain why we pushed the fat ones away.
So, even though we were told not to judge by the cover
Little by little, depending on how big they look
Novels like War and peace are disappearing forever,
Because we decided to ban 20 chapters books.
APPENDIX
Why won't this society
Give 500 page books the opportunity
To share with us their wonderful story?
La Beaute- a poem in two parts
« Beauty"s not important »
That’s what we pretend we believe.
Ignoring a child with glasses and braces
Who sits with only his imaginary friend by his side.
« Beauty "s not the key to success »
That’s what we pretend we believe.
Pealing for a young dancer
Carrots sticks she’ll eat for diner
« Beauty "s irrelevant »
That’s what we pretend we believe.
Snapping at the skinny guy
Who dared ask us to kiss him goodbye.
« Beauty "s just worthless »
That’s what we pretend we believe.
Watching her kneel on the bathroom floor
And stick two fingers down her throat.
Part 2
" nice ass"
he had yelled
grabbing her by surprise:
spreading her legs,
bruising her neck,
he had gotten inside
with power and pride.
That's what you get for being too pretty,
and turning him on in the middle of the street.
" Fuck you bitch"
she had yelled
shaving the other girl's head.
slashing her cheeks,
damaging her looks,
she had torn that soft face
with envy and jealousy.
That's what you get for being too pretty
and stealing the boys from her eager arms.
" You think you're too good for me"
he had threatened
pushing her against the wall.
breaking her arm,
beating her up,
he had smashed her head
with anger and rage.
That what you get for being too pretty
and maybe one day, leaving for someone better looking.
That’s what we pretend we believe.
Ignoring a child with glasses and braces
Who sits with only his imaginary friend by his side.
« Beauty "s not the key to success »
That’s what we pretend we believe.
Pealing for a young dancer
Carrots sticks she’ll eat for diner
« Beauty "s irrelevant »
That’s what we pretend we believe.
Snapping at the skinny guy
Who dared ask us to kiss him goodbye.
« Beauty "s just worthless »
That’s what we pretend we believe.
Watching her kneel on the bathroom floor
And stick two fingers down her throat.
Part 2
" nice ass"
he had yelled
grabbing her by surprise:
spreading her legs,
bruising her neck,
he had gotten inside
with power and pride.
That's what you get for being too pretty,
and turning him on in the middle of the street.
" Fuck you bitch"
she had yelled
shaving the other girl's head.
slashing her cheeks,
damaging her looks,
she had torn that soft face
with envy and jealousy.
That's what you get for being too pretty
and stealing the boys from her eager arms.
" You think you're too good for me"
he had threatened
pushing her against the wall.
breaking her arm,
beating her up,
he had smashed her head
with anger and rage.
That what you get for being too pretty
and maybe one day, leaving for someone better looking.
Little white lie
I did what people told me:
I lost weight to be more pretty.
They said it would make me happy,
But being that skinny
Made my life a living hell.
Why did they lie ?
I lost weight to be more pretty.
They said it would make me happy,
But being that skinny
Made my life a living hell.
Why did they lie ?
Don't speak
I’ll admit: I was quiet.
And small, and tiny.
But how could they not stop,
Not hear me cry for help?
But too busy with their lives
- or was I being too greedy? -
they just kept on walking,
passing right by me.
And I just stood there,
And in silence,
Kept on dying.
And small, and tiny.
But how could they not stop,
Not hear me cry for help?
But too busy with their lives
- or was I being too greedy? -
they just kept on walking,
passing right by me.
And I just stood there,
And in silence,
Kept on dying.
Recovery: October 4th 1999
I still get scared
( two years away
from the day
that I first dared
gain back some weight.) ,
that I'll explode
just because I ate.
Today I ran five miles on a road
( two years away
from the day
that I first dared
gain back some weight.) ,
that I'll explode
just because I ate.
Today I ran five miles on a road
Chess Game
No one on the board saw it coming,
I didn’t even know what I was doing
A as I decided to move so that my family
Didn’t die miserable and unhappy.
I didn’t even know how to make it happen
How a simple pawn, weakest of all the chessmen
Would put an end to this destructive game
And tell the king things just couldn’t stay the same:
He had to stop letting us down
And for that he also had to give up his crown.
I didn’t think it would made ME the enemy
But here are the rooks coming to get me.
I turn to my knights, maybe they’ll stop
The attack of the two black bishops
Send to reprimand my “blaspheme”
Not understanding I was fulfilling my dream.
But for the knights, that’s what I get for changing the rules
I thought they’d understand. How could I be such a fool?
Then I see my Queen, she can go every direction
Hopefully she’ll stop this destruction,
Tell the king that she disapproves,
That’s her false move, and from the board she is removed.
Left is my king, no one else by his side
He doesn’t show his fears, he has his pride
Doesn’t listen to what I have to say
Nor move when I tell him to go away
Because I’m getting closer, a square at a time,
All he sees is that I committed a crime
That left him alone, abandoned by his family
With no respect, all because of me!
And I get too close, we’re already I check
I tell him to leave, I’ll try to forget
I’ll act as if it didn’t happen, I trey to make amend.
But he refuses, check mate, the end.
I didn’t even know what I was doing
A as I decided to move so that my family
Didn’t die miserable and unhappy.
I didn’t even know how to make it happen
How a simple pawn, weakest of all the chessmen
Would put an end to this destructive game
And tell the king things just couldn’t stay the same:
He had to stop letting us down
And for that he also had to give up his crown.
I didn’t think it would made ME the enemy
But here are the rooks coming to get me.
I turn to my knights, maybe they’ll stop
The attack of the two black bishops
Send to reprimand my “blaspheme”
Not understanding I was fulfilling my dream.
But for the knights, that’s what I get for changing the rules
I thought they’d understand. How could I be such a fool?
Then I see my Queen, she can go every direction
Hopefully she’ll stop this destruction,
Tell the king that she disapproves,
That’s her false move, and from the board she is removed.
Left is my king, no one else by his side
He doesn’t show his fears, he has his pride
Doesn’t listen to what I have to say
Nor move when I tell him to go away
Because I’m getting closer, a square at a time,
All he sees is that I committed a crime
That left him alone, abandoned by his family
With no respect, all because of me!
And I get too close, we’re already I check
I tell him to leave, I’ll try to forget
I’ll act as if it didn’t happen, I trey to make amend.
But he refuses, check mate, the end.
Alone
I lie in my bed
frightened and scared
because I am
all by myself.
All alone
as I whisper goodnight
only heard
by the darkness around me.
And the space next to me
stays cold and empty.
frightened and scared
because I am
all by myself.
All alone
as I whisper goodnight
only heard
by the darkness around me.
And the space next to me
stays cold and empty.
Recovery: January 9th 2000
My friend D. ( she’s very skinny)
Wants to loose 1 Lb. to stay pretty
And has gone on a no carb. Diet.
(But I have to stay quiet:
no one can know she suffers to stay thin
and doesn’t really have a fast metabolism.)
Wants to loose 1 Lb. to stay pretty
And has gone on a no carb. Diet.
(But I have to stay quiet:
no one can know she suffers to stay thin
and doesn’t really have a fast metabolism.)
Contradictions
STUDY
1% of girls with an eating disorder die of a heart-attack
for lack of energy because they were much too skinny.
ADVERTISEMENT
If you join our gym now, you’ll get a free backpack
and our lose weight plan will help you look good in a bikini
SHOPPING
Size zero fill our stores but no one thinks they ‘re too small,
If you can’t fit in them, run more on the treadmill.
SOCIETY’S SOLUTION
To avoid bad body image they’re changing the shape of the Barbie doll.
And to make sure you’ll be safe, they tested all the diet pills.
HEALTH REPORTS
A woman normally active should consume at least 2,000 calories.
If you are underweight you’ll experience apathy and dizziness
SLIM FAST
Available in drugstores, from diet bars to laxative teas.
Have a shake instead of a meal and you’ll slim down, an easy success!
MAGAZINE
Women should be proud to have a body that’s sensual and curvy,
It’s how we’re meant to be shaped, at least that’s what this month’s Cosmo said.
FASHION
On the runaways of Paris, the new supermodel’s name is “Twiggy”.
The saleswoman told me (5’6 ‘’, 120 Lb.) “ big size clothes are straight ahead!”
CONSCIOUS
Regular exercise and reasonable low fat diet guarantee a long, healthy living.
We all admit being attracted by a terrific personality.
UNCONSCIOUS:
We pick the cheese out of the salad to put it on the side, next to the dressing.
We reject the fat and ugly but also despise those who are too pretty
NEWS FLASH:
And we wonder why
A teenager lies
On a hospital bed
Almost dead
A tube of food in her vein
Doctors trying to maintain
Her in this world.
That stupid little girl:
Where could she possibly
Get such an idea?
1% of girls with an eating disorder die of a heart-attack
for lack of energy because they were much too skinny.
ADVERTISEMENT
If you join our gym now, you’ll get a free backpack
and our lose weight plan will help you look good in a bikini
SHOPPING
Size zero fill our stores but no one thinks they ‘re too small,
If you can’t fit in them, run more on the treadmill.
SOCIETY’S SOLUTION
To avoid bad body image they’re changing the shape of the Barbie doll.
And to make sure you’ll be safe, they tested all the diet pills.
HEALTH REPORTS
A woman normally active should consume at least 2,000 calories.
If you are underweight you’ll experience apathy and dizziness
SLIM FAST
Available in drugstores, from diet bars to laxative teas.
Have a shake instead of a meal and you’ll slim down, an easy success!
MAGAZINE
Women should be proud to have a body that’s sensual and curvy,
It’s how we’re meant to be shaped, at least that’s what this month’s Cosmo said.
FASHION
On the runaways of Paris, the new supermodel’s name is “Twiggy”.
The saleswoman told me (5’6 ‘’, 120 Lb.) “ big size clothes are straight ahead!”
CONSCIOUS
Regular exercise and reasonable low fat diet guarantee a long, healthy living.
We all admit being attracted by a terrific personality.
UNCONSCIOUS:
We pick the cheese out of the salad to put it on the side, next to the dressing.
We reject the fat and ugly but also despise those who are too pretty
NEWS FLASH:
And we wonder why
A teenager lies
On a hospital bed
Almost dead
A tube of food in her vein
Doctors trying to maintain
Her in this world.
That stupid little girl:
Where could she possibly
Get such an idea?
Famine
Today I feel sick,
Nauseous, and a hypocrite
Not the usual feeling I get when I don’t want to eat.
Today I saw a picture of a 7-year-old,
Somewhere in Ethiopia,
A tear rolling down his cheek,
As he stood between the corps of his parents,
His stomach bloated form hunger, a fly on his left eye.
And all I could think of is “how ironic”
That all of us with Anorexia
In Europe or the USA
Could have died
The exact same way.
Nauseous, and a hypocrite
Not the usual feeling I get when I don’t want to eat.
Today I saw a picture of a 7-year-old,
Somewhere in Ethiopia,
A tear rolling down his cheek,
As he stood between the corps of his parents,
His stomach bloated form hunger, a fly on his left eye.
And all I could think of is “how ironic”
That all of us with Anorexia
In Europe or the USA
Could have died
The exact same way.
Don't tell
People don't want to know:
It makes them feel uncomfortable.
What can they say once they realize
How much I hated the woman I was starting to be.
Instead they just make me feel guilty
for trying to run away from my reality :
A home that was wrecked, a family that played pretend;
Despite how it appeared to be, my life was sometimes insane.
People don't want to know,
Ashamed they didn't see
That I felt worthless and miserable,
and punished myself by hurting my body.
Instead they act as if nothing ever went wrong,
making my story sound like someone else's sad song.
So the woman I am cannot say,
That she still gets scared every other day.
It makes them feel uncomfortable.
What can they say once they realize
How much I hated the woman I was starting to be.
Instead they just make me feel guilty
for trying to run away from my reality :
A home that was wrecked, a family that played pretend;
Despite how it appeared to be, my life was sometimes insane.
People don't want to know,
Ashamed they didn't see
That I felt worthless and miserable,
and punished myself by hurting my body.
Instead they act as if nothing ever went wrong,
making my story sound like someone else's sad song.
So the woman I am cannot say,
That she still gets scared every other day.
The name of the game
It pisses me off to see others do the same,
As if my disease were just some kind of game.
As if it were fun,
to diet and run,
As if we should be proud to win,
And be the best at being thin.
Yet no one seems to realize,
That playing takes us far from paradise.
That’s why the look that you see on me,
Is neither filled with jealousy or envy,
But pain for what you are going through,
Knowing the evil winning will do to you.
As if my disease were just some kind of game.
As if it were fun,
to diet and run,
As if we should be proud to win,
And be the best at being thin.
Yet no one seems to realize,
That playing takes us far from paradise.
That’s why the look that you see on me,
Is neither filled with jealousy or envy,
But pain for what you are going through,
Knowing the evil winning will do to you.
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